| Talking
with Baby:
Toward stress-free conversations with children under
four
by Sydney Gurewitz Clemens, M.A, Early Childhood Education and Supervision
My intention in writing this is to offer a two-or three-page bit
of advice to people who are going to start talking with babies and
toddlers ... these people might be childcare workers, or au pairs,
or parents-to-be ... or foster parents ... whomever. But the principle
is the same ...
A baby is a real person, capable of initiating conversation or responding
to it from early, early on. This communication can be with or without
words, just as it can be for older children and adults. Infants
and toddlers learn to trust their own ability to communicate when
they are listened to and responded to in ways that let them know
their communications are heard and valued. Your adult joy, rather
than your job, is to share the pleasure of conversation, to wait
for responses from babies, helping them learn that verbal and nonverbal
communication are the bridges that connect people. No tests, no
challenges, no showing off are needed.
Just talking with each other, respectfully and attentively.
Let me tell you a story I call: “What’s that letter? Who’s
the President? What’s this color?”
The parents of the eighteen month toddler introduced me to their
child. They were older, highly educated, well-to-do parents, clearly
in love with the child, and proud as they could be. They had bought
a puzzle rug, whose parts were in bright primary colors, and the
letters and numbers embedded in the rug were removable. The child
brought me a letter, and said “T.” Then she brought me
a book about the letter K. These were her toys, and she had made
good use of them. The parents were particularly proud of the answer
to the “Who’s the President?” question, since the
child was so cunning when, after a few prompts, she said “Boosh.”
To me this appeared to be a series of tests, with the child passing
them all.
The child’s uncle and I had just arrived. I was to spend a
few days with this family. It was after ten in the evening. We were
standing in the hallway. And what I saw had made me very anxious.
The parents were coaching the child, “Tell Sydney what this
is!” and not noticing that their child wasn’t interested
in this showing off and I was substantially stressed by their child’s
discomfort. I like to let toddlers get to know me at their leisure,
not in a pressured way like this.
The baby didn’t get to sleep until after twelve-thirty. By
then Mom had explained to me that this child “just doesn’t
sleep. “
And she didn’t get to sleep early for the rest of the four
nights I stayed there.
However the child had no difficulty falling asleep for her nap when
the housekeeper, a Latina grandmother, calm, quiet, undemanding,
would take the child to a quiet place and rock her for a bit. Always,
with her parents, Felicia would fight sleep. And they would leave
the bedroom, and begin the questions again, playing in the way they
knew. “What’s that letter? What color is that? Who’s
the president?”
Later, and more than once, I saw the child bang her head on the
floor. The mother rushed to stop her, picking her up, obviously
pained at the child’s self-destructive act, and also somewhat
concerned about how I’d perceive this. I mentioned “Usually
that’s a sign of stress.” Mom didn’t inquire, and
I had gotten other clues that my advice/opinion weren’t wanted,
so that’s all I said.
As well-meaning as the parents are in trying to educate their child,
it would take a major transformation in their thinking to create
the space for all of them to feel relaxed in the enjoyment of one
another’s company. I’m glad the housekeeper is part of
their story, since she is willing to help the baby find calm and
comfort. But I’m worried for this baby.
OK ... if we’re not going to show off baby’s ability to
name things and speak clearly, how are we going to relate to her
instead?
As I mentioned, I like to meet toddlers differently. I sit down
on a low chair or the floor, and am open. The child checks me out,
and approaches when she or he has decided I’m interesting.
I even ask infants in arms if I may hold them. (I don’t expect
an answer, but I have learned that some form of conversation often
does take place, with each of us using the language tools we have
developed so far.) I keep it very low key, because I can trust the
child’s interest in the world and her curiosity to bring us
into relationship, without my challenging anything.
So what do you say to an infant or a child? Watch skilled baby-people.
sportscast ...
“You’re looking at the tree leaves. You like to see them
move.”
“You’re interested in
playing with those children.”
“You’re looking at the sandbox. I’ll help you go
there.”
extend
vocabulary ... “Ba? You’d like me to throw you
the ball?”
“Yes, you’ve got some peanut butter on your elbow.”
play with language ... “You’ve got your
toes in the squishy, splishy mud.”
“Jennifer, Jennister, Guinevere. Lovely names”
follow
the lead of the child ... ”What is catching your eye?
Is it that bug?”
“You’d like to go there? I’ll go with you.”
And
never ask a question to which you know the answer.
This means questions like “What color is this?” and “What’s
this number?” are not permitted.
If playing with love, one can ask “Where’s your nose?"
and then admire that pretty little nose. But don’t let this
kind of demanding become central to your interaction with children.
Think about the difference you feel, in conversation with another
adult, when you are asked, on the one hand “What’s the
square root of 317?” and on the other hand, “What kind
of food do you enjoy?” We want the same respectful questioning
— and never testing — to be characteristic of our interactions
with babies.
Another important way to communicate with a child is not to say
anything at all. By being fully attentive to a child who is fully
engaged in play we communicate a respect for the child’s learning
process. Imagine interrupting Edison as he was about to make an
important discovery. Children are making discoveries all the time
... as they try to make sense of their world. Let them do it without
interruptions. This takes sensitivity on the adult’s part.
Learning when to speak and when to be quiet. I like to think of
this as the children’s gift to us ... giving us the opportunity
to learn all that communication can be.
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